Long post this one, so don’t complain as if you didn’t know. Listening to the Marker so I’ll occasionally stop and listen and think.
Yesterday was……so different. In many ways. Too many emotions. Too many different emotions, in different moments of the day. Why can’t there be more uniformity in my soul?
Ah well, went to see Eclipse sometime near lunch. After delivering my bachelor paper I went to the nearest cinema and bought a ticket. First time I go alone to a movie. Sad, I know, but I didn’t feel as lonely as I expected, cause next to me was a lady also by herself, so we kind of stood there for each other. Took my pretzels with me and a huuuuuuge Fanta and there I was. Of course, mostly girls like 15-16 years old, no more. There were also grown-ups, which was surprising, given the whole teenage frenzy around this subject. Anyway, the conclusion after seeing this movie: Jacob and me have the same problem. Destiny, fate or how I would put it, wrong timing.
There is such a great feeling after getting out of the cinema. Alone. Like you’re free. Like a bird. Except the flying part. Went home totally relaxed, like I didn’t have a care in the world. Eclipse got me thinking again about choices and how everything starts with a wrong choice. Or a choice which is not yours to make and someone else makes it for you. Or a choice you’re obliged to make.
Didn’t manage to stay much inside, cause I was meeting Corina at 5, so ate a bit, drank a bit (like I hadn’t had enough at the cinema, my bladder wasn’t full it seems) and on my way to the centre. It started to rain of course, text Corina and we both decided to go for it, and if it still rains, we’ll go for a drink (yeeey, my bladder would have been happy). Fortunately, it was sunny by the time I got there, so we went for the old part of the city, which was closest and seemed nice to photograph.
The old part looks like the war started all over again. Honestly. Such a wreck all over the place. A feeling of total abandon, total mischief and danger. You expect something to fall on you and hurt you. You expect people to laugh at your camera and shoo you off their premises. We wanted to take some pictures of kids, houses and such, but we stopped cause we weren’t sure if we’re allowed to. At some point we reached this church with an inner small garden. Took some pictures there too, careful not to disturb anyone. It was peaceful and quiet there. And warm. Of course, we ended up near Chocolat, had to stop and ask for some chocolate. They didn’t have homemade, so we ate some mousse.
There are so many places in this city that remind me of this past year and a half. The cinema, the old city, Chocolat, the History Museum… Too many memories. I am glad I have them, but they make me sad.
Can missing hurt so? Is it possible to scream on the inside and look happy on the outside? Can you lose focus for more than 1 minute? Can I forget? Can I take out my memories for a while, put them somewhere safe, out of my brain, and then when things will pass, take them out again and put them where they belong? I don’t feel happy when I have them. Not now. I want them out. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to talk to someone. I want someone to listen to me.
It’s nice to walk the streets with a person who seems so much like you. Photographically speaking. Thanks for yesterday!
And it hurts. Badly. “It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest”. It’s not that different when you’re parting with a good friend.
P.S. All pictures below are taken with ISO HI1 (which is higher than 1600) on a sunny day. I must have skipped that lesson when they teach you how to always check to see if settings are correct. :| Amazingly enough, they look fine to me. Noise kept low.
P.P.S. Will also post some of Corina’s pictures, just to see everything from her perspective. Or you can check her blog anytime soon.