Panorama of Bern city in Switzerland. Time of day: around 11. Tudor in the left part of the picture :P

Lausanne panorama. Time of day: around 14-15. Clouds were gathering…rain started minutes later.

Lugano panoramas. Time of day: midday. Excuse the lack of horizontality.


You can click on the images to make them larger.

Last night I could barely fall asleep. I had a determination running through my veins, the likes of which I haven’t experienced in quite a while…

Yesterday was the day of serious talk. And not with my parents, amazingly enough, but with my friends. And I’ve realized what I want to do. What I have been wanting to do for a while, but took me time to figure it out. My dream has always been there, inside of me, wanting to reach the surface and say: “yes, let’s do this shit!”. Apparently, last night it did. I think that if it wasn’t time for me to go to sleep, I would have probably taken a pen and started writing then and there. Alas, a good night’s sleep helps you ponder and set things straight.

I am tired of raising eyebrows when I talk to people. I am tired of trying to explain to them what I do. Tired of figuring out a way to justify myself. Tired of trying to adapt or to change completely the way I think. That will be no more. YOU try to understand, YOU try to adapt to my way of being, not the other way around. If you don’t understand me, then….I’m sorry. I will undergo some transformations starting today. I have made a 2 weeks pause, but now I resume my schedule. I have a plan, and for once in my life it’s going to be entirely my doing. The help I will need will come not in the form of money, but rather….physical presence. If you’re there to stand by me, fine, if not, step aside. Let me be. Don’t try to mess with my thoughts. Don’t try to turn me around. I’m not going to make my plans according to anyone else anymore.

Might sound a bit odd coming from me, the kid who hasn’t grown up yet, who hasn’t even lived yet. I was the one who always put things aside for later thought. That will be no more. I will start doing something. For myself, this time.

And my heart will be in it 100%. If I fail, then I will know I have tried. The thing is that, when I like someone or something, I do my best to make it mine. With people it’s difficult, cause they have a choice not to like you back, to ignore you, to not speak to you. But with things, it’s easier. You can conquer them for your own. You can buy them, steal them, learn them, take them for free and all that. I have failed in making people mine and I’ve given up a couple of times, after figuring out that I am a stubborn little thing who doesn’t know when to stop. I have always imagined that I would get what I want. The thing is…..I never asked for what I want. I never told the guys anything. I never told my parents what I want lately. I never expressed a desire for something, for fear of refusal. And I have lived in my dreams, where I didn’t need to ask for anything, everything came to me by its/his/her own accord. And that was my mistake.

This time, I’m doing it. Not with a person, cause maybe I’m not ready yet, but with a thing. I will conquer it and make it mine. Make it a part of myself and fight to keep it mine. I will turn one of my dreams into reality. The others will just have to wait, cause I need another person to make them happen, don’t I? What lies only in my hands I will start doing. This August….things are going to change.

And you, cousin, will be among the first to hear about it. 2 more weeks to go.

I have three photoshoots planned for the period to come. This is going to be the starting point for what I have in mind. Starting all over it will be like in highschool, when I first put my hands on a Canon digital camera. It will be like I rediscovered a purpose.

My dreams are my wings and they take me up in the sky! (This is to translate at least a part of that Japanese from one of my previous posts….The last part….Still don’t know if it’s true….)


P.S. I’m happy for you, but I don’t know if I would like to be in your shoes. Too much drama, like you said. Having too many boys around can spoil things. It all comes down to being honest. To making choices. To choose for yourself and not rely on anybody else to do it for you.

Our choices make us who we are… sadly.



2 thoughts on “Pan

  1. Wow, this sounds.. ambitious and euphoric. I do have a vague idea what you’ll be pursuing and I’m totally intrigued to find out live, first-hand and in person. Again, sorry for making it short, but there are important exams coming up.
    I’m looking forward to whatever it is! ;)

    1. Well, cous, it’s nothing new really… Oh, I forgot to tell you my hair is short now :P I’m telling you this cause a friend of mine still can’t recover from the surprise :)) You have been warned ^^

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